By Sarah Hudson
I understand that this rant about Crocs may earn me a few enemies, but I truly feel that I am doing a public service. Hey, sometimes the truth hurts, but it’s nowhere near as painful as watching someone wear Crocs.
I believe it is pretty accurate to assume that no one (even avid Croc advocates) thinks that Crocs are particularly fashionable. In light of this widely accepted truth, a vast array of rationalizations exists for wearing these shoes, despite their blatant disregard for style. I will identify a few of the most popular justifications that I have come across and proceed to explain why they are inadequate.
1. They’re comfortable! Yes, and so is walking barefoot. And I’d much rather see a bunch of bare, black-bottomed feet than ones covered in rubbery Croslite (yes, that’s what Crocs, Inc. calls their material of choice). In case you didn’t know, shoemakers the world over sell shoes that are just as comfortable and not nearly as offensive as Crocs. It is entirely possible to be comfortable AND fashionable. Do not sacrifice your sex appeal for Croslite.
2. But they’re so inexpensive! As far as I’m concerned nothing is a deal unless it is both cheap AND cute. You wouldn’t buy a shirt with dog poop on it if they were selling it for fifty cents, would you? Old Navy sells $3.50 flip-flops that are not only cuter than Crocs but also less expensive. Buy some of those and save twenty bucks and your dignity.
3. Okay…but I have smelly feet! I understand that one of Crocs’ marketing points is that they’re odor resistant. First of all, I’m not entirely convinced that this is true. I’ve smelled some pretty rank crocs in my day. So if foot odor prevention is really your top priority, then buy some Dr. Scholls Odor Destroyers foot spray. It’s $6 at Wal-Mart, and it’ll save you from scaring off people with ugly shoes and smelly feet.
4. Crocs come in so many cute new styles these days! This may be the most disheartening justification of them all. I was horrified when I discovered that Crocs had begun to make heels and (gasp!) wedges. These two new Croc styles are the antithesis of fashion, sex, and all things good. Anyone who thinks they can slip on a pair of Croc wedges and get lucky is sadly mistaken. Honestly, if you insist on wearing Crocs, just stick with the originals. At least they’re not trying to be something they’re not.
5. But what if I’m Croc-less and stranded in the wilderness dying of starvation?! Since the inception of Crocs, people have been fascinated with the rumor that if you boil a pair of Crocs, you can eat them. While this may be true (thank you, WikiAnswers), I still don’t buy it. I cannot imagine any situation in which I would 1) buy Crocs, 2) wear them into the wild, and 3) be so desperate and hungry that I’d whip a pot out from my knapsack, find some water, bring it to a boil, and throw my Crocs in for a tasty treat.
Let me conclude by saying that there is one, and only one, scenario in which Crocs are an acceptable footwear choice: baby Crocs. This in no way contradicts my disdain for this shoe. It merely affirms that any shoe (no matter how repugnant in grown-up size) is always cute in miniature. So if you’re over the age of two, throw away your Crocs, and try one of these tasty alternatives (pictured below), all of which are cheaper than, cuter than, and just as comfortable as Crocs. Unfortunately, you can’t boil any of these into food—go buy some Ramen.
1. Classified Border Purple Crinkle Patent Button and Bow Flat
2. Animal Printed Cotton Maryjanes
3. Studded Leather Moccasins
4. Mossimo Supply Co. Octavia Twist Flats- Black
5. American Eagle Addison Bow Flat